Sex as a service

Tags

clients, consent, disability, discrimination, feminism, friends and family, personal stories, rants, Relationships, sex industry, Sex Work, sexuality, south australia, stigma, virgin

I have been participating around the blogosphere in ‘debates’ where I find myself constantly having to justify my job as a valuable service and needing to fight against the suggestion that I am an exploited victim (with the perpetrator being the employers or clients).  In a way I hope that anyone following my blog for any period of time will be able to come to their own (possibly more informed) conclusions.

Recently I wrote about a client of mine who had autism, and it led to some discussion about providing sexual services  to clients who have disabilities, which led to again more questions about the ethics of my work. As I already vented about, it was suggested that people with disabilities might be exploited victims (with the perpetrator being families and sex workers). Again with the notions of victims and exploitation.  More inaccurate judgements and discriminatory assumptions.

Let me challenge a few of those assumptions for you.

Many many sex workers, including me, have got experience or training as carers, nurses and support workers in the disability and aged sector. I worked as a carer in my early 20’s both in disability and aged care, in one of my guilt induced, partner enforced ‘retirement’ from the sex industry. Frankly, dealing with naked body’s and natural bodily functions and things that other people find icky, and doing it all while trying to provide a little human care…. it’s not that far of a stretch from sex work. Except – one has way better pay and conditions (but I’ll do a post about that another time)

Anyway, many of us have a caring and compassionate streak, and enjoy those occasions when our work allows us to share with someone something special. For example, a young man with Autism wants to lose his virginity at  age 30, or an old widowed man hasn’t been touched in a gentle caring way for years and wants a sensual massage. Or like my first overnight booking, with a man who was lacking in social skills and confidence and just wanted to wake up next to a woman for the first time in his life. I know a sex worker in her 60’s who only sees clients above 50, and specialises in nursing home visits.

Some of us enjoy this part of our work so much that we specialise in that area of sex work, like the amazing Rachel http://www.scarletroad.com.au/trailer/ some of us attend training like the training done by touching base, and some of us provide discounts. We are service professionals, we know our job, we train, we network, we bring experience.

Not all of our clients are men. Especially amongst our clients who have disabilities. Women with disabilities often express sexual desires and strategies to meet those desires. It is true however,  that care agencies and institutions often overlook women as sexual beings so there are more barriers to women accessing a sex worker than for men. But there are still plenty of female clients. A male sex worker I know once had a woman contact him after seeing him on a list of disability trained sex workers. She didn’t have a disability, but she did feel vulnerable. She had been abused in her youth and had stayed celibate until her 40’s. She was calling my friend, not because she couldn’t get sex, but because she wanted safe, controlled, fully negotiated, consensual sex with firm boundaries and it needed to be with someone who was understanding, caring, compassionate, gentle AND sensual. She got that and she ended up seeing him a couple of times that year, each time becoming more confident.

And sex workers don’t always do sex. When working in my straight disability support job I heard a story about a sex worker being hired to teach a young man how to masturbate. He had been behaving inappropriately in a group home setting, pulling out his penis in public, and rubbing it literally red raw at night. After consultation with parents and doctors, a sex worker was hired to spend an hour in his bedroom with some lube and a picture magazine, showing him carefully and talking to him openly about where and when. It worked a miracle. Who else would or could do that job?

And our clients arent always lonely. Whilst doing my annual disability friendly sex work training, I heard another beautiful story about a married man and woman. Both with profound physical disabilities. They wanted to have sex. They needed someone to help them, to put them into position, and physically assist them.  Who else will do that?

Now I wont deny that most of my clients are able-bodied men on their lunch breaks, looking for uninspired back rubs, blow jobs and a simple release. But that is not all our job is about. Even if you can’t see the service in sex, you can’t deny the value many sex workers provide for many clients that do not fit into your preconceived ideas.

Sex work is real work. Stick around, hopefully I’l convince you by the end.. (of my life)

His first time…

Tags

autism, clients, consent, disability, personal stories, Sex Work, virgin

A woman had called me during the week. Her son had autism, was about to turn 30 and was a virgin. She wanted to make a booking for him to see me on Saturday as it was his birthday, and to loose his virginity is what he wanted for a present.

Oh God, the pressure. As i got ready for this booking i was becoming increasingly nervous. This poor guy was a virgin, and I’m being entrusted with giving him his first sexual experience… and a birthday present no less!!?? Welcoming him into his ‘dirty thirties’. He had probably spent the last 15 years imagining how this might go. i had a lot to live up to. Intense.

And his mum had organised it! She planned to bring him over in a taxi, what was she going to do for the 45 mins while him and i were in the bedroom? i hope she didn’t want to wait in the lounge for him! How embarrassing.

He arrived with his mum, all three of us extremely nervous, although i just went into automatic pilot. Fake it till you make it! I’m being payed to put their nerves at ease, so i cant be acting like its my first time too! The mum smiled and giggled nervously as she assured me she didn’t want to wait inside and would be fine going for a walk and will see us in 45 mins. I led Daniel into the room, explaining to get undressed, lay on his tummy on the bed, and i will return to give him a massage.

After the massage i turned him over, he laid very still, smiling widely as i touched him and spoke softly to him, checking out that he was still enjoying it. His erection went up and down, and i had to take his hand and show him that he was allowed to touch me. He had never touched boobs before… let alone anything else. The booking was difficult, and he could not keep an erection long enough to achieve an orgasm. He liked it when i took his hand and showed him how to touch me, he liked it when i gave him a lil show with my toys, but he didn’t like oral sex and the other penetrative sex wasnt going to work very well. We were both nervous, but I kept checking with him softly asking him which bits he likes and which bits he didn’t. In the end I tried giving him a hand job, but that didn’t work either. Time ran out and we both knew it wasn’t going to happen this time.

I felt a little disappointed as i said goodbye to him and his mum at the door. I couldn’t make him cum but he was grinning ear to ear! i spent a few minutes imagining what he was telling his mum about the booking…. Then I jumped in the shower, took my money and went out dancing on a Saturday night.

*later edit to address concerns about consent* I take consent very seriously and take various actions throughout the booking to check the consent of my client with everything i do. This is something i attend regular and ongoing training on.  Daniel and his mother were referred to me from their sexuality counsellor after looking at options for Daniel to have sexual interactions, as was his ongoing and stated wish. This was his 30th birthday present, had been planned and discussed and requested by Daniel for months.