Show me yours and I’ll show you mine…

Tags

bodies, body image, brothels, clients, disability, self esteem, sex industry, Sex Work, sexuality

I wanted to write something about the human body in all its naked and diverse glory. I wanted to share the unexpected gift that sex work gave me; forgiveness for all my physical imperfections.

Working as a sex worker for many years I have seen naked bodies belonging to my clients, my co workers and myself in all sorts of positions, settings and lighting. Over the years I have become incredibly comfortable with human bodies and getting naked but that wasn’t always the case.

Taking my clothes off and showing my naked body to someone I just met, AND  having the nerve to expect them to pay me for it, was my first and most persistent fear about starting sex work. Before sex work my experience of being naked in front of people had largely been in the dark, after foreplay and with lots of anxiety. Each time i let my mind wander  what it would be like to do sex work, I would get stuck at the bit where I had to take off my clothes.

And it wasn’t just a concern for the first booking, every time I went back to sex work after having a break I would confront the same insecurities. None more pronounced than when I returned after having carried a 9 pound baby full term. I was paranoid about my changed body shape, my new stress lines, decreased sexual confidence, stretched skin, my more mature attitude, everything.

There were times when I tried to hide the bits that worried me. Id leave my skirt on to hide my mummy tummy, id leave shoes on to hide my feet, id wear wigs to change my hair, stockings to cover cellulite, id leave the lights low, id do a combination of all of the above. And other times I adopted a ‘fake it till you make it’ attitude and strut my stuff as if I had not a care in the world.

Each time I got naked and got paid it got easier. To the point I barely think about it anymore. Yeah sometimes I notice clients looking at my stretch marks as they ask how many kids i have. But I have just as many clients who admire my legs or my bum or even my uneven boobs.

The raw commercial reality of selling sex and desire makes it increasingly obvious that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. That phrase gets new depth and credibility when you see its sentiment play out again and again in the intro rooms every night. Sex work taught me that for every body there is someone who thinks its sexy enough to pay for it. Even more than that, its possible to work your insecurity and turn it into your money maker. Your big ass or hairy legs could be the just the thing this client is into.

And its not just my body that I have become comfortable with, but ANY body.

Through my work I have seen bodies of all shapes and sizes with all sorts of bodily functions and dysfunctions. I’ve noticed and critiqued the changes that  occur  to my own body in the  quick glimpses of myself that I catch in the strategically placed mirrors as I massage and make small talk. Ive cleaned up all sorts of messes that  were made by various bodies. Ive learnt when to be gentle and work sensitively with my own and other peoples insecurities and body image issues. I’ve ignored, discussed, nurtured and pleasured every type of physical and sexual hang-up you can imagine.

Sometimes clients try to hide what they think is their abnormality for fear of rejection, humiliation or judgement, and some will be completely upfront in an attempt to avoid experiencing judgement or rejection at a later stage. Either way don’t let it effect your self esteem. Sex workers can decide who they will and wont see as a client for any reason they want. For example some sex workers wont see a client from the same cultural background as them (for confidentiality), some may decline because they suspect those skin tags are actually warts or due to the clients disabilities. Some sex workers may even have a preference for age or any other kind of physical appearance. That’s completely up to them. But there are just as many sex workers who will not see young men, or football players, or clients with lots of muscles, for just as many reasons. And the majority of us only care that our clients are hygienic, respectful and prepared to pay our price.

Ive seen so many different genitals and tummys and feet and chests and bottoms and backs and bodily and sexual function and dysfunction and attitudes and egos and insecurities, penis sizes and shapes, circumcised willys, loose foreskins, foreskins so tight its joined at the top,  pearls and rubies inserted underneath forskins, hard cocks, soft cocks, cocks that go up and down, wet orgasms, dry orgasms, lots of cum, barely any cum, cum that squirts in all directions, warts, skin tags, herpes, sunburn, blotchy skin, shaved skin, hairy bodies, lost hair, big ones, small ones, ultra sensitive and over stimulated, cock rings, female condoms, eczema, swollen pumped up penises, catheters, cum before their pants are off, requires specific actions to make cum, stretched skin, stretch marks, burned skin, bruised, scars, tattoos, dry rough and scaly, super soft and silky, one testicul higher than the other, one ball gone, hanging low or high and tight balls, good kissers, bad kissers, pacemakers, gastro tubes, old, young, all teeth, false teeth, some missing. business suits, surfers clothes, tradie blues, golfing gear, trackies and tshirt, work uniform, jeans and polo, poking out nipples, inverted nipples, guts and man boobs, tupe’s, home d bracelets, medical alert bracelets, piercings, hairy back, muscles, skinny, ugly feet, warts, freckles, missing limbs, differing abilities for fitness and positions, germaphobes, people from many cultures with many religions, scars and birthmarks, noisy bodies, weird sounds, injuries, sores, wounds, sex aids, medications, and I’ve seen all these things across all genders n ages n abilities.

I am always reminded that we are all human. We are all vulnerable. Whether we are being paid to use our bodies to sexually arouse others or if we are paying for our body to be aroused. We all bleed and excrete and have lumps and bumps. And we all have insecurities. Too many of us are too worried about our average and regular bodies. We are are own worst critics.

sex work 101

Tags

brothels, clients, consent, disability, discrimination, friends and family, laws, Love, money, nursing, parenting, personal stories, rants, Relationships, safe sex, sex industry, Sex Work, sexuality, single mothers, south australia, stigma, the boss

Your beginners course in understanding my work. Written in the interests of answering the common questions and misconceptions and saving sex workers from having to deliver a sex work 101 class to every person they disclose to.

1. I have good sexual health. I know this because I get tested. I get tested twice a year and more if there have been any risks. Some workers go more often. I use condoms for oral and full sex, i do visual checks on my clients for STI’s, I use lots of lube and have access to a variety of sizes in condoms, I know my condoms are in date and stored properly, I put it on, I take it off, i regularly check the condom during sex to make sure it is in tact and in place and for all of these reasons, I rarely have a condom break or slip. I also use condoms on toys and on  fingers if they are to be inserted anywhere. Sex workers in this country are known to have better sexual health than the general public. We are professional about our sexual health.

2. Being raped or assaulted is not a part of my job. I have never been raped or hit during my sex wok job. When it happens to a sex worker it must be taken seriously and dealt with appropriately, not written off an inevitable part of the industry.

3. My clients come from all walks of life. There is no typical client. As long as they are clean and respectful, then I am happy to provide them a service. If they are not clean, I don’t mind waiting while they take a shower.

4. There is no typical sex worker, I know sex workers of all ages, I have a friend in her late 60’s and I know of even older. Fat or thin, tall or short, everyone can make money in the sex industry.

5. The sex I have at work is work. For me it is not comparable to the sex I have for pleasure or with a partner. That doesn’t mean I never enjoy it. Compare it to working in a childcare centre looking after other people’s kids all day, i might enjoy it and I might like those kids but it is very different to how feel when i care for my own child. It is just a service, an intimate service yes, but there are many jobs where people provide intimate services for money, such as childcare.

6. I’ve been known to partake in a recreational drug here and there but I do not have a drug habit to support, and I do not need to be wasted to work. Drug use is a characteristic of our industry, in that it’s slightly more accepted in some (not all – many try to distance themselves) workplaces. If drug use itself is higher in the sex industry than in other industries (say for example the nursing sector) then I offer the following explanations: Firstly,obviously the money in sex work is better. If you have a drug addiction to support or if your vice of choice is expensive, sex work is an attractive financial option. This is also true for big gamblers, shoppers, travellers, spenders, and those in debt. Secondly the flexibility of sex work makes it an attractive work option for those who don’t fit neatly into the mon to fri 9- 5, stay in your box and conform-or-else,  type jobs. What I mean is, as a sex worker you can work for yourself, you can work for boss, you can work a few hours or you can work a few days solid, you can work regularly or on and off, you can call in sick all the time and still have a job. This means that people who need some extra money to score today, and the people who can’t get stable work because their life is not stable, or those people who can’t work long shifts because they need to self medicate, or people who get sacked from ‘straight’ workplaces because they were found out for using their sick leave to detox, still have a job option. I’m not using this post to weigh in on the ‘drugs are bad mmmkay’ debate, but I will say, people who use drugs either recreationally or habitually, can and are, and should be encouraged to be productive members of our communities, and it is up to everyone to make that possible. The sex industry has managed to make that possible and I think that is why drug use is more visible in our industry.

7. I personally do not have a mental health diagnosis. I think that makes me the opposite of normal these days. My point is, you don’t have to be damaged or deluded to exchange sex for money. Getting paid for sex also doesn’t cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression or any other label. What can cause a whole array of mental health problems is ongoing stigma and discrimination, harassment, criminalisation and all its associated issues, unsafe workplaces, isolation, and any other number of life experiences and chemical reactions. There is nothing inherently damaging either physically, emotionally or mentally about getting paid for sex, though there are often factors associated with sex work that can cloud our experiences. And many sex workers do live with a mental illness and I doubt it is over represented in our industry. But like drugs, i think it is more accepted in our industry and the flexibility means that people with health considerations can find suitable work in the flexible sex industry, allowing them to manage their health and stay gainfully employed. Again, I think rather than giving our industry a hard time, other industries should be taking note. Stop with the exit strategies for sex workers,  how about “entering strategies” rolled out to the employers whose work conditions are so rigid ensuring they are not accessible to people with caring responsibilities, with health considerations and disabilities, or to people who use drugs, older people, people with less English skills, or students, people with gaps in their resume’s and people with criminal records, or to people who need extra help or people who just want some control of their own working lives. These are the benefits of the sex industry, not the negatives.

8. There are no Madame’s and Pimps. OK, well there are female brothel owners and we do call them Madame’s, but they are really just an employer. They don’t generally have any other special role in our lives, just like any employer and employee relationship.  And there are boyfriends/partners, drivers, drug dealers and runners, security and bosses. And maybe in other countries they are called pimps, but not in Australia. There people in abusive relationships who are being pressured to work when they don’t want to on in ways they don’t want to. But that is domestic violence, not pimping. The reality in Adelaide is that there are lots of brothels and lots of bosses, some are good and some are bad but there is even more sex workers who work for themselves or in small collectives who have total control.

9. Yes the money is good, but not ridiculous. It used to be much better but an increase in the industry and a decrease in disposable income has meant it is not the gold mine i once felt like (or maybe I’m jut getting older 😉 ). Adelaide sex workers are among the cheapest sex workers in Australia. A mixture of different services offered by different workers, no labour rights or baseline wages in force, competitive market and vastly varying overheads make it difficult to negotiate pay rises across the industry or individually. When I first started sex work 20 years ago the average rate for an hour ‘fully inclusive’ session in a Adelaide brothel was $110 – 160 and about 5 years ago we had our first big price hike and now the going rate is about $160 – $240 for an hour. The sex worker generally gets about 50 – 60%. Keep in mind that most brothels also offer half hour or shorter services (I once worked in a brothel where I got paid $25 fr a quick fuck! needless to say I didn’t stay there long)and will provide discounts for longer bookings, some take shift fees or other cuts, and many sex workers offer ‘extras’ for extra cost or provide a different service for a different cost, private workers set their own prices based on overheads, services, commercial factors and their style of doing business. Give or take a few tips and noshows and there is no way I could give you any kind of average earning.  I can tell you that if I work for an 8 hour shift in a brothel I would expect to earn between $200 and $500 but depending on the business, the time of day/year, the number of workers on shift, the price of service and cut I got, and a massive range of other factors, including luck, it would not be unusual for a sex worker in Adelaide to leave an 8 hour shift with anywhere between zero and thousands.

10. I currently do pay tax on my sex work income. I have to if I want to participate in the world of house and car loans, or any other significant financial transactions. I haven’t always paid tax on my sex work income because I feel it is unfair to take my tax money but afford me no rights in return. Infact the opposite, I pay tax on my income but my assets can be confiscated as ‘proceeds of crime’, my cash could have me charged with ‘illegal possession’, my business could be closed down at any point and my livelihood gone, without compensation, my health and home and professional insurance is not valid due to my illegal activity. But regardless of any of that, if I want to spend my money, I have to declare it. And many other sex workers and sex industry businesses are in the same boat. The glaring contradiction comes from the fact that a) The Australian Tax Office doesn’t care how you make your money as long as you pay tax on it, in one of their staffers words ‘even a hit man can declare their income and claim their expenses’ and b) Australia’s tax system is a national system and our sex work laws are state based and every other state has some form of legal sex work. Now ofcourse, being a cash based industry, I’m sure not every cent is declared, and being very good at evading authority and remaining undetected, I’m sure not all brothels are paying tax, and why should they until their business’s are deemed legitimate. But the truth is that three things in life are inevitable – your born, you pay taxes and you die.

Do you ever have female clients?

Tags

couples, disability, escort, fantasy, female clients, feminism, money, personal stories, sex industry, Sex Work, sexuality, south australia, stigma

This post is part of the Sex Work 101 series, along with other popular questions and answers such as what was my most interesting booking? What do you tell your kids? And various other questions to be answered in the future such as, do you pay tax and what’s the worst booking you’ve had. But this post will answer the ever popular question about whether I see female clients.

Yes. I have had female clients. But not many. The majority of my clients, by far are men. And I am fairly confident in saying the majority of most sex workers clients are men.

Most of the women I have seen were part of a male/female couple, who had booked me to join them. I have done many many bookings with couples over the years and have always really enjoyed them. When I take a booking for a couple I generally ask to speak to both of them to make sure everyone is equally as enthusiastic. The last thing I want is to get caught in the middle of an awkward relationship drama.

More often than not I am told that it was the womans idea to hire a hooker because she was wanting to experiment. Obviously there would be times when she just wanted to please her fella, but that was definitely not the case for most. There was one couple i used to see a lot, she was about 10 yrs older than her boyfriend. The second time I visited her she waited for her boyfriend to leave the room and whispered that she used to be a sex worker as well. I saw them lots after that.

These couple bookings are probably different to how you are picturing. Again they are heavily negotiated. I know what they want from me, what their rules are, what they don’t want. I am careful to respect both people and their relationship and nearly always focus most of my attention on the woman. Rather than being some kind of porn scenario acted out for the males pleasure, I often use these sessions to encourage the male to help me pamper the woman. It is very nice massaging a woman after massaging so many men.

I have seen some women clients by themselves as well. But in all honestly, I can count them on one hand. I know other sex workers have had more female clients than I have had, and there are even agencies and brothels that specialise in catering to female clients in the eastern states. But I have seen only a few. 3 of them were women experimenting, 1 of them was a lesbian, and one was a closeted married woman in her 50’s.

Even the male sex workers I know mainly see male clients. Although one of my friends has a number of female clients who have disabilities. They are women who have been very assertive about their sexual desires and pushed hard to get access to a sex worker. Often women’s sexuality is not considered and way too often a woman with a disability is considered asexual.

It also seems, anecdotally, that a lot of female clients are or have been sex workers themselves. I have stories from other workers about female clients who are or used to be a sex worker. They either wanted to see how it was on the other side or they just felt like laying back and being pampered. I even know a sex worker who hired another female worker when she was visiting Adelaide from interstate.  I have to admit, it does sound appealing, but I’m too cheap to hire a hooker 😉

Why so few female clients? Well, we can only speculate. Depends on what lenses you use to look at the world through I guess. Some will say, men need or want more sex and women can get it for free. Some say men are given access to women’s bodies due to patriarchy, and I say:

A little from column A) and a little from column B)

Men are often encouraged to embrace and promote their sexual urges. Men often have more access to a disposable income. Women are often discouraged from acknowledging their sexuality at all. Women often have less access to disposable income.

Combine that with an entrepreneurial instinct and a desire for independence and you have yourself supply and demand.

The sex industry is a reflection of society, warts and all (lol – see what i did there?). The sex industry is not the cause of societies problems but it is affected by them. But as society changes, so is the sex industry. There are many male sex workers catering to men who have sex with men, and the number of female clients is slowly increasing too. We know that the number of women viewing porn on the internet is huge, there are female only strip clubs and porn producers.

I look forward to a day when I can confidently tell you that 50% of my clients are women.

Dear John

Tags

brothels, clients, consent, disability, discrimination, escort, fantasy, kink, laws, money, rants, safe sex, sex industry, Sex Work, south australia, stigma

Dear John (or peter or paul or whatever name you give me today),

Thankyou for spending your money on me. My service is not cheap and in this day and age, I really appreciate that you probably worked hard for that money. For some, an hour spent with me is the equivalent of two or three full days work. For some, an hour spent with me took 6 months of budgeting, and for some,  my fee is a drop in a vast and impressive ocean, giving me hope of a nice tip or a good regular. Rich or poor, I appreciate every dollar you give me.

I’m not always sure about your expectations or motives for deciding to make a booking and hand over your hard-earned cash, and I am only one woman, there is no way I am able to be all things to all people. But I want you to leave me feeling that it was money well spent. So I write this letter affectionately and honestly to assist you in getting the most out of your  time with me. You may find that some of the suggestions I make also benefit your encounters with other sex workers.

When first making contact with me keep it professional. Only ask the questions that you need to know. Be clear if you are just making enquiries or if you are ready to make a booking. Remember that I get many enquiries and very few of them eventuate into genuine bookings so over the years I have developed a reliable bullshit detector. I learnt it from other whores I have worked and associated with. There really is a collective wisdom being passed around from brothel to the street to escort agencies, massage parlous, beats and bars, from generation to generation. We can spot a wanker (in the literal sense). If your initial enquiries include going into gory details about what you want to do to me, or asking me for more photos, or telling me how big your dick is, or worse – showing me, if you send email after email after email with more and more questions or if you try to bargain with me, I will deem you a wanker. Once deemed a wanker I will either blacklist you, ignore you, give you very limited responses and availability, double book you, or if I do decide to accept your booking, i am likely to treat you with suspicion for the first 15 mins of your time.

If you have specific desires, needs or concerns then please discuss them with me. Try to keep it simple giving only the necessary details. Telling me about your disability, or your kink, or your erectile dysfunction or your curiosities will put you at ease knowing I am then able to tailor the booking to meet your needs. Or recommend you to someone who is able to. If I cannot cater to you for whatever reason please do not take it personally, I am not judging you, I am simply acknowledging that I am not able to provide you the best service for your money.

Be aware that depending on the context I may not be able to discuss things as openly as I would like to. Sex work is illegal in South Australia . If I look anxious and am not forthcoming in answering all your questions there may be very valid reasons why. Please try to read my non verbal cues, or better yet pay me and hope for the best. This situation sucks but it is the reality of our laws here in this state and in many many many other places around the world. If you keep acting like a cop, I will ask you to leave.

Once you pay me there will be plenty of time to talk about all your dirty desires and the size of your penis. You can open up to me about your vulnerabilities in detail and you can ask about extra services available. You can even try your luck in negotiating that barter offer you have in mind. When you put your money where your mouth is, it shows me that you are genuine. It’s only then that I know you’re not a cop, a wanker, or a time waster.

When making a booking be prepared to trust me a little with your personal information. If I’m visiting you, I will obviously need your address. If you’re visiting me it is likely I will want your phone number or email or some other way to contact you in order to confirm the booking. Or to abuse you if you waste my time. If you’re in a hotel I may ask you for your real name so they let me past reception late at night. I know that you are concerned about privacy but we are both vulnerable in that regard. If you want me to trust you enough to visit your home or to give you my address, it’s only fair that you offer me the same trust. I have as much to lose as you do.

If you’re running late or need to cancel, let me know at your earliest convenience. I will appreciate it, even if its last-minute. If you do not show up to a confirmed booking and you do not cancel, I will pursue a cancellation fee. If unsuccessful I will keep your details and share them with other workers to make sure they are aware of the disrespect you showed. It’s not that I hold a grudge, but I need to protect myself. Please understand that I may have to pay rent for the room I booked for your service, or for the hotel room. I may have turned down another booking, or spent half an hour driving to the booking. I may have paid a babysitter or  bought new stockings or paid for a taxi. Preparing to see you takes my time and money, please don’t make appointments unless you are confident you can keep them.

When visiting me, make sure you get the address right and that you arrive at the agreed time.  Dont upset my neighbours by knocking on the wrong door. Dont upset me by knocking on my door at an unexpected time. I may not be there, I may be with another client or it maybe an inappropriate time. If I said we close at midnight, don’t show up 12:15 and bang loudly enough to wake the neighbours dog.

If we’re in a brothel context I do not mind you asking to meet the other workers but do not suggest that it is because I am not good enough. I don’t mind you having a preference but there is no need to be rude. Don’t look me up and down with disdain or make me jump through hoops trying to prove my worth to you. Don’t make the lame joke “you should be paying me”, I will only roll my eyes. I hear that every day from clients with something to prove. Please pay me upfront. Lets get that out of the way so that we can all relax. Please pay my quoted price without any debate.  If you spend the first 5 minutes of our time together displaying arrogant or disrespectful behaviours, I am likely to spend the next 55 minutes of our time giving you a pretty bad service (that’s if I agree to see you at all). When I feel comfortable and confident with you is when you will get value for your money.

Don’t act like you’re better than me or I will be tempted to prove you wrong.

Make sure you are washed and clean, if you need a shower, tell me and I’ll show you where the bathroom is. When washing yourself, pay special attention to your bum, your genitals, your hands and nails. Make sure your dental hygiene is at its best. If you smell bad or have bits of toilet paper hanging from your bum-crack (and a huge percentage of you do) I will ask you to take a shower mid booking. If you have bad breath I will avoid being too close or intimate with you. I will not let you kiss me, and infact i will encourage doggy position only to avoid having you on top of me. If your hands or nails are filthy I may ask you to wear gloves or limit the ways and places that you touch me.

Let me know if you’re enjoying it. You can use your words, your actions or your facial expressions. Telling me it feels nice, responding to me physically, smiling or even a satisfied sigh will make it easier for me to read you making me relax and enjoy the booking a little more. Tell me what you want, nothing shocks me, nothing offends me (at least nothing that involves only consenting adults ). I wont always say yes, but I often will. I am happy to explore your fantasies with you, but if you tell me what they are it will take away the guess-work. You’re paying me by the hour, it’s up to you how long it takes for me to find your secret spots.

I know you might be nervous and that’s ok, sometimes I still get nervous too. But I am a professional, I have done this plenty of times. Try and relax with me and let me take the lead.

Don’t ask me if I’m ‘faking it’ or make comments alluding to your suspicion that it’s all an act on my part. If I am faking it, I am faking it, do you really want me to tell you the truth? Even if I am faking it, I may still be enjoying myself. Asking me to constantly reassure you will only make me feel self conscious and will limit my ability to connect with you.

Dont expect me to bend my rules for you. Not even if you’re my regular. Even if you have reason to believe that I may negotiate, always ask, never presume. If you do something I do not like I will let you know. If you do it again I may decide to end your booking immediately. If I decide to give you a second chance I will finish the service in a very clinical and controlled way focussing on controlling your behaviour rather than providing pleasure. Conversely if you show respect for my boundaries, listen to my verbal and non verbal cues and ask if you are unsure, you will find that I am very open minded.

Respect the need for latex. I know condoms are not always ideal for a whole range of possible excuses you could offer me, but they are all I have. I work hard to make safe sex sexy and if you pay attention you might learn some things. Trust me when I say no to your request for “natural services”. If you persist I will be forced to graphically explain the worst possible unsafe sex scenarios. And that is a bit of a mood killer. Don’t ask me if I’m clean or tell me that you are, just use a condom. And while on the subject, if during the service i notice something that could be a symptom of a sexually transmitted infection, don’t get upset when I point it out. Most STI’s are fixed with a trip to the doctor, and others can be managed. You might be right when you try and explain it away, it might just be skin tags and not warts but I might not be in a position to take the risk. I will not kick you out, but I will have to provide a different safer service. Please know that my level of care to ensure our sex is safe will mean that you can have a guilt free hour with me.

If you’re going to drink, take drugs or masturbate before our booking, do not blame me if you can’t get an erection or achieve an orgasm. In fact, don’t blame me for that no matter what the reasons are. Same goes if you cum to quickly. I do my best to time our sessions perfectly, but you well know that there are things beyond my control that affect your sexual function. Dont be embarrassed by it, you’re certainly not alone. When you’re with me there is no pressure or expectation, your sexual performance is only of concern to you. You payed me and I want to make sure you don’t regret it, so if you experience problems in any of these areas due to drugs or alcohol, prescription medication, physical reasons, emotional reasons or anything else, I will be happy to spend the session trying, playing, pampering, massaging, or whatever we negotiate. But please don’t expect me to perform miracles or give refunds

Be respectful of my time and the time you payed for. Remember you payed for a service, not just the sex. If you need a shower at the end or take a long time to dress or you want to sit and have a chat, make sure you allow for that in your booking time. Dont try to delay having an orgasm until the last 5 mins and then expect me to go overtime when it doesn’t happen straight away. Understand that i may have other appointments, i may be paying for the room by the hour, I might have to answer to a boss, I might have kids to pick up from school or I might have to get to the bank before it closes. As intense as the session may have felt, if the time is up, the time is up. It’s not personal, but I am a busy woman. If you need longer we may be able to negotiate extending the booking, feel free to make me an offer.

If I gave you a good service, tip me. Or at the very least – tell me.

Be discreet, if you see me on the street, don’t approach me, understand that just as you may have reasons why you don’t tell everyone that you book sex workers, I have reasons for not telling everyone about my work. If you attempt to approach me in any way outside of the sex industry you will not be happy with the response you get from me. On the other hand, please keep looking for my adds and follow me from business to business as I try out different workplaces over the years, we can grow old together.

I look forward to your next booking

Lots of love, respect and gratitude,

Jane (or whatever name I have given you today)

Sex as a service

Tags

clients, consent, disability, discrimination, feminism, friends and family, personal stories, rants, Relationships, sex industry, Sex Work, sexuality, south australia, stigma, virgin

I have been participating around the blogosphere in ‘debates’ where I find myself constantly having to justify my job as a valuable service and needing to fight against the suggestion that I am an exploited victim (with the perpetrator being the employers or clients).  In a way I hope that anyone following my blog for any period of time will be able to come to their own (possibly more informed) conclusions.

Recently I wrote about a client of mine who had autism, and it led to some discussion about providing sexual services  to clients who have disabilities, which led to again more questions about the ethics of my work. As I already vented about, it was suggested that people with disabilities might be exploited victims (with the perpetrator being families and sex workers). Again with the notions of victims and exploitation.  More inaccurate judgements and discriminatory assumptions.

Let me challenge a few of those assumptions for you.

Many many sex workers, including me, have got experience or training as carers, nurses and support workers in the disability and aged sector. I worked as a carer in my early 20’s both in disability and aged care, in one of my guilt induced, partner enforced ‘retirement’ from the sex industry. Frankly, dealing with naked body’s and natural bodily functions and things that other people find icky, and doing it all while trying to provide a little human care…. it’s not that far of a stretch from sex work. Except – one has way better pay and conditions (but I’ll do a post about that another time)

Anyway, many of us have a caring and compassionate streak, and enjoy those occasions when our work allows us to share with someone something special. For example, a young man with Autism wants to lose his virginity at  age 30, or an old widowed man hasn’t been touched in a gentle caring way for years and wants a sensual massage. Or like my first overnight booking, with a man who was lacking in social skills and confidence and just wanted to wake up next to a woman for the first time in his life. I know a sex worker in her 60’s who only sees clients above 50, and specialises in nursing home visits.

Some of us enjoy this part of our work so much that we specialise in that area of sex work, like the amazing Rachel http://www.scarletroad.com.au/trailer/ some of us attend training like the training done by touching base, and some of us provide discounts. We are service professionals, we know our job, we train, we network, we bring experience.

Not all of our clients are men. Especially amongst our clients who have disabilities. Women with disabilities often express sexual desires and strategies to meet those desires. It is true however,  that care agencies and institutions often overlook women as sexual beings so there are more barriers to women accessing a sex worker than for men. But there are still plenty of female clients. A male sex worker I know once had a woman contact him after seeing him on a list of disability trained sex workers. She didn’t have a disability, but she did feel vulnerable. She had been abused in her youth and had stayed celibate until her 40’s. She was calling my friend, not because she couldn’t get sex, but because she wanted safe, controlled, fully negotiated, consensual sex with firm boundaries and it needed to be with someone who was understanding, caring, compassionate, gentle AND sensual. She got that and she ended up seeing him a couple of times that year, each time becoming more confident.

And sex workers don’t always do sex. When working in my straight disability support job I heard a story about a sex worker being hired to teach a young man how to masturbate. He had been behaving inappropriately in a group home setting, pulling out his penis in public, and rubbing it literally red raw at night. After consultation with parents and doctors, a sex worker was hired to spend an hour in his bedroom with some lube and a picture magazine, showing him carefully and talking to him openly about where and when. It worked a miracle. Who else would or could do that job?

And our clients arent always lonely. Whilst doing my annual disability friendly sex work training, I heard another beautiful story about a married man and woman. Both with profound physical disabilities. They wanted to have sex. They needed someone to help them, to put them into position, and physically assist them.  Who else will do that?

Now I wont deny that most of my clients are able-bodied men on their lunch breaks, looking for uninspired back rubs, blow jobs and a simple release. But that is not all our job is about. Even if you can’t see the service in sex, you can’t deny the value many sex workers provide for many clients that do not fit into your preconceived ideas.

Sex work is real work. Stick around, hopefully I’l convince you by the end.. (of my life)

Consent to this!

Tags

clients, consent, disability, false consciousness, feminism, rants, Sex Work, stigma

Another big reminder as to why i stay anonymous. As to why, if we met at a party, i aint going to tell you the truth about my employment. Not only does the South Australian law make me a criminal, sex negative religion and cultures make me immoral, but now, feminists and do gooders make me a victim.

There are some who would like to have ME believe that i am not actually choosing to do sex work. That i am not able to give meaningful consent, that all my clients are raping me. No matter how i protest and beg to be believed and listened to, my experiences are denied, twisted and used against me and my work. Men become the enemy, my clients who are mostly men, are paying to rape me, and i am too damaged to understand this.

Bullshit.

In an attempt to try to challenge this steriotype of men as my abusers and me as a victim, i posted a story about one of my clients who had a disability. Often my work with clients who have a disability is understood as a community service, and it is in this context that the letters to the editor change and we are offered respect for the work that we do. But not this time. Now obviously, i am raping my client. It seems impossible for sex work to happen without someone raping someone else. It seems impossible to believe that meaningful consent is possible when it comes to sex, or money, or both combined.

I should have known better than to think i could alter people’s strongly held believe systems that sex is bad mmkay. So im not sure why i am bothering to write this now, but i need to get it off my chest, so please, indulge me.

These people believe that there is no way i am able to give real consent to do sex work due to outside structures. So since i live and have always lived in a patriarchal world, it is impossible for me to have any real choice about participating or promoting this system, or i am too stupid to have any critical analysis and so cannot see my actions for what they are. Or some bullshit.

Or that because i do it for economical reasons, that isn’t really a choice, because i wouldnt do it if it werent for the money. And even if I say i have other choices about how to make money, but i choose sex work for the extra money, for the flexibility and autonomy, they say, its not real choice because there isnt enough choices for me that are high paying or flexible, and if there was maybe i wouldnt do sex work. I call this crystal ball thinking… and i dont understand the point? Yeh if I won the lottery maybe I’d spend my time blogging and writing and bringing up happy healthy children and walking my dog near the ocean, instead of going to work. But, um, just because that’s not in my list of possible choices right now, doesn’t make my current decisions or my consent to sex any less valid and meaningful!

And now my clients who i can clearly demonstrate are not abusing me, are being abused by me! So now women and people with disabilities and people who havent won the lottery are not able to consent.

So it makes me wonder, what in the eyes of the anti sex brigade, what IS the magical formula for meaningful consent to sex? What are the required characteristics? Im guessing, it can never include a paid transaction.

Let me be clear. I consent. My consent is as meaningful as your consent to have sex with anyone ever. I am not the only one who’s decisions and choices are influenced by the society i live in. All of our decisions are effected by the context of our world. Obviously. My choices are not less valid than yours just because i choose to get paid for sex and you dont.

You are right, I am not independently wealthy, and I am a women in a man’s world. But I still have the ability to say yes, and mean it. And just because I believe in my right to say yes does NOT mean I don’t still demand the right to say no! Two words yes and no, watch me use them! That’s right, I am woman, hear me roar!

And my clients consent. Meaningful, informed, considered, purposeful, premeditated and continuous consent. Even those clients who have a disability. They do not loose their ability to consent just because they have a disability. There maybe extra considerations to take into account, but they are still able to consent to sex. They still have the RIGHT to consent to sex. They still have the right to make decisions about their body! (Although sadly not a right that is always afforded to many patholigised, institutionalised or marginalised.)

Not only do both my client and I consent to sex, but i believe that the sex i have in my sex work service is the MOST consensual sex i have ever had. It is so heavily negotiated with explicit boundaries discussed upfront in minute detail.

I do not just find myself falling into bed with my clients after a few drinks or a few dates when one of us guesses the time is right. We do not just ‘go with the flow’ with nothing spoken. I do not dutifully agree to my husband climbing on top of me and having his fun for no other reason that its the expectation. No.

In my service both I, and my client have discussed, negotiated and consented to:

1. Where and when we will have sex

2. How long the sex will go for

3. How much money it will cost either of us

4. What sort of protection is used

5. What either of us is not comfortable or prepared to do during sex

I do not think i have discussed sex and my expectations of sex, and my boundaries and needs from sex so openly with any potential sexual partner in my personal life.

Yet somehow, people are way more comfortable with me picking up in the pub and falling into bed that night with no discussion.

Or marrying some dude that just does missionary and finishes in 5 minutes once a week.

That is meaningful consent, apparently, but money = rape.

Bullshit!

His first time…

Tags

autism, clients, consent, disability, personal stories, Sex Work, virgin

A woman had called me during the week. Her son had autism, was about to turn 30 and was a virgin. She wanted to make a booking for him to see me on Saturday as it was his birthday, and to loose his virginity is what he wanted for a present.

Oh God, the pressure. As i got ready for this booking i was becoming increasingly nervous. This poor guy was a virgin, and I’m being entrusted with giving him his first sexual experience… and a birthday present no less!!?? Welcoming him into his ‘dirty thirties’. He had probably spent the last 15 years imagining how this might go. i had a lot to live up to. Intense.

And his mum had organised it! She planned to bring him over in a taxi, what was she going to do for the 45 mins while him and i were in the bedroom? i hope she didn’t want to wait in the lounge for him! How embarrassing.

He arrived with his mum, all three of us extremely nervous, although i just went into automatic pilot. Fake it till you make it! I’m being payed to put their nerves at ease, so i cant be acting like its my first time too! The mum smiled and giggled nervously as she assured me she didn’t want to wait inside and would be fine going for a walk and will see us in 45 mins. I led Daniel into the room, explaining to get undressed, lay on his tummy on the bed, and i will return to give him a massage.

After the massage i turned him over, he laid very still, smiling widely as i touched him and spoke softly to him, checking out that he was still enjoying it. His erection went up and down, and i had to take his hand and show him that he was allowed to touch me. He had never touched boobs before… let alone anything else. The booking was difficult, and he could not keep an erection long enough to achieve an orgasm. He liked it when i took his hand and showed him how to touch me, he liked it when i gave him a lil show with my toys, but he didn’t like oral sex and the other penetrative sex wasnt going to work very well. We were both nervous, but I kept checking with him softly asking him which bits he likes and which bits he didn’t. In the end I tried giving him a hand job, but that didn’t work either. Time ran out and we both knew it wasn’t going to happen this time.

I felt a little disappointed as i said goodbye to him and his mum at the door. I couldn’t make him cum but he was grinning ear to ear! i spent a few minutes imagining what he was telling his mum about the booking…. Then I jumped in the shower, took my money and went out dancing on a Saturday night.

*later edit to address concerns about consent* I take consent very seriously and take various actions throughout the booking to check the consent of my client with everything i do. This is something i attend regular and ongoing training on.  Daniel and his mother were referred to me from their sexuality counsellor after looking at options for Daniel to have sexual interactions, as was his ongoing and stated wish. This was his 30th birthday present, had been planned and discussed and requested by Daniel for months.