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discrimination, escort, friends and family, Love, money, personal stories, rants, Relationships, sex industry, Sex Work, stigma, whore shame
For the partners of sex workers:
So you met a hooker and at first you were cool with it. You didn’t freak out when they first told you about their job and you didn’t freak them out with your response. You started seeing each other and maybe you had some reservations but figured you would work through them with time (read: talk them into your way of thinking). Or you figured whatever you had with them wasn’t so serious so it didn’t need to be a big deal. Or perhaps you even found their job a bit of a turn on. Or maybe you were never ok with it but you wanted to try to make it work anyway. Whatever your thoughts on sex work were you probably realised that it wasn’t your place to say anything… well not yet….
But that was then and this is now. Things are different now.. right? Now that you are (dun-dun-duuuun!!) in love……Over time and as your feelings for them have grown, you’ve found your acceptance for their job has diminished. In the early days you may have repeatedly declared your complete support for them and their work or promised that you would never ever ask them to quit, and maybe you even meant it, but all of a sudden things have changed and now you’re not so sure. This situation might be all new to you, but your partner has probably been through this so many times before like most hookers have. We get it… Apparently it’s different when you love us.
So now what?
Your first decision is whether to talk to your partner about the problems you’re having with their job or to just try working through it by yourself. I suggest you do a bunch of the second before doing the first. Read, think, talk to someone, then read and think some more. When emotions like jealousy take over or we lose control over those feelings of possessiveness, it’s likely that we are not going to be thinking clearly. These feelings are very normal and human, but rarely rational. Taking time to work through your feelings will help ensure you don’t start something in the heat of the moment that you don’t know how to finish. And if you do ultimately decide to talk about your feelings with your partner it will help to be clear about your emotions and your needs, to have considered their point of view and be prepared to offer appropriate solutions. If you’re going to open this can of worms you want to be sure about your feelings and what you want.
If you can wait till you have time to express yourself in a calm, thoughtful and respectful way it will be much safer and healthier and be more likely to produce outcomes that you can both live with. In the meantime can I suggest you try hanging out with other sex workers and their partners. Being in a loving respectful relationship with a sex worker isn’t as out there as you might think. Lots of people love sex workers and manage or struggle while being committed to loving them. You are not the only one expected to do this. Hanging out with others in the industry might help you gain some perspective both in regards to your own feelings, those of your partner and the reality of the work.
Even though your feelings may be irrational it would be unreasonable to expect that you will always be able to ignore them. If problems persist and you’re sure you’re not just having a moment, this post has some ideas and suggestions that might help you negotiate something more palatable to your sensibilities, whilst being respectful of your partner and their needs. And hopefully in the process you will become more aware of your emotions and be better at communicating, regulating and acting on them.
Often feelings about this stuff come from possessiveness, jealousy and misconceptions, you might even be experiencing some guilt or shame or fear. All perfectly normal human feelings and common characteristics, in varying degrees, of most loving relationships. These feelings can be overwhelming or complex or inevitable or over ruling. They sometimes undermine our own logic or long held values and they usually cause confusion and pain. Our emotions affect us all differently at different times and are triggered by different things. At times they may feel all consuming, we lose perspective and the issues can become magnified and out of proportion. Wait for the intensity to pass and when you’re feeling calm try to pinpoint what it is about your partner’s work that triggers these emotions.
Believe it or not, not everyone will understand or agree or feel the same way about the same things you do. These feelings might be common, but for each of us it is often different things that bother us. Your partner might not know what it is about their work that upsets you. For example it might seem obvious to you that you don’t want to hear the details of their work but they might be completely oblivious to the fact that this upsets you, or worse, they may even think you want to know.
Figuring out if there are specific aspects of their work that are bothering you more than others can be hard work and can take time. You will need to try and be reasonable and open minded here. Dig deep. Don’t be satisfied with a thought like ‘my trigger is my partner fucking other dudes for money’. You will need to push yourself further. Try to be more specific. You want to pinpoint what it actually is about them fucking other dudes for money makes you feel the way you do. Is it that you hate them visiting strangers late at night because you are worried about their safety. Maybe you hate it when they change plans with you so they can go to work. Maybe you hate it when they answer their work phone in front of you and you hear them negotiating with their clients. Maybe you hate the hours they work. Maybe it’s that you want them to save something intimate just for you. Or you’re concerned they might fuck your boss or someone you know. Who knows exactly what it is that pushes your buttons, it’s possible you don’t even know. Ultimately you might just want them to quit but if that isnt an option for whatever reason, being clear about what it is that upsets you the most will help you to negoriate a compromise about how they work that takes your feelings into account. For example: in calls only not out calls, set or changed hours of work, changes to what service they provide or how they advertise, changes to where they work etc. Take your time to work through your feelings but try not to be pass agg while you do it.
The next step is to put yourself in their shoes. Consider their reasons for working. What can you offer them in that department? There is no point trying to come to any agreement with your partner if their reasons for working in the first place have not been addressed or at least considered; that would be setting yourselves up for failure. Obviously for many of us a huge consideration is the money – are you in a position to provide for your partner financially? But don’t presume that money is the only thing that it’s about. There are many other reasons we choose sex work such as independence, the control and autonomy we have over our work. Or we may enjoy aspects of the work such as the healing and human side or the performance side or maybe even the sex and drama. It might be the flexibility or the easy access. What can you offer to help meet your partner’s needs in these area.
When considering your partners reasons think outside the square. Don’t just consider the reasons they may have vocalised, if you really want to cover your bases, be aware that there maybe reasons they work that you don’t know about or that they are not even clear about it. So many of us are forced to defend our work all the time in terms of money and need that we often are not comfortable or clear about the parts we do enjoy or do because we like. What else about the work might suit your partner?
By now you should have three lists, one that pinpoints the specifics of what upsets or bothers you about your partner doing sex work (your bottom line) one that considers the reasons they have chosen sex work ( their anticipated bottom line), and one that explores what you can offer to meet their anticipated needs or address their reasons (your bargaining tools). It can help to physically write it all down so you can start to build a picture of the situation and begin to develop possible solutions and suggestions to bring to the conversation.
Consider your approach to the conversation. Play out the conversation in your mind. If you want to have an honest and useful conversation with your partner about their work; don’t give them a reason to lie to you. If they have been able to trust you with the details of how, why, when, where they work, don’t fuck it up now by being an asshole. If you go in all demanding with ultimatums there are a few ways it’s going to go… 1. you break up 2. Your partner says they will do what you want just to keep the peace and you but continues to work secretly 3. They do quit resulting in them not having their needs met and holding onto some resentment towards you.
Stay focussed on the goal of the conversation which is to develop agreements that take into account their reasons for working and your specific concerns. If the conversation gets out of hand bring it back to what it is you need to be ok with this situation, not what you don’t need. Remember it’s the job you have the problem with; you love your partner, so don’t abuse or insult them or call them names.
Don’t expect or accept miracles as a solution. Whatever the conclusion of the conversation don’t make big promises or make them promise anything big. If you do come to an agreement, trial it first. Take it day to day and give your selves a time frame to check back in with each other about how its working for you both. This is just the beginning of a process.
I was able to successfully negotiate around these things with my partner once many years ago but when I tried it again more recently with a new partner it didn’t go so well, but that’s a story for another time. Remember that all relationships can be difficult regardless of what job any of us are doing so be careful to not blame all the problems on their work. Be aware that your insecurities might not disappear even if they stopped doing sex work. In any job your partner works in they might meet potential lovers – You need to be able to trust them. Be honest with yourself and don’t make them jump through hoops if there is a chance the issues are yours and nothing to do with the work. If your partner does quit or change the way they work because of your feelings, don’t take that as them repenting. Don’t make them apologise or feel guilty for their past. Encourage them to be able to talk and think about their experiences without feeling ashamed.
Don’t try to change them, You fell in love with them and their experiences are a part of them. There are so many pros to dating pros, their sassiness and independence, their skills and outfits, their connections and stories. Whores know their worth and you’re lucky enough to get to spend time with them for free – others have to pay for the pleasure!
But If you really hate their job so much and after working on it you believe there is no way around it do yoursselves a favour. Don’t stick around contributing to a toxic situation if all you can do is be hurtful and unhelpful.
If you cant or dont want to deal with it just be a grown up and walk away.
because i'm a whore 
I enjoyed reading 🙂 I haven’t visited an escort since October 2nd 2015, they were lovely and adorable but never enough, I need more 🙂
It’s just easier to date when you’re no longer a sex worker! Too much headaches and disappointments dealing with men and their temperaments!
I fell in love with an escort last year. Feeling were not mutual, but she welcomed my letters, cards, and texts of affection openly. It became very trying and stressful for me. I am still depressed about her.
Thanks for this post! It really echoed what I went through with my partner as well…luckily he was able to reflect his irrational feelings pretty well, but in the end I stopped working in the industry, mostly for the sake of the relationship, but at the time I told myself it would be “good” for me too, to just get other work experience. Now, five years later after getting other work experience I find myself missing sex work. I never thought I would miss it as much as I do and am thinking of going back. Still not sure how to combine this with my relationship, though…I just wish he would understand that what we deeply share as a couple and what truly really makes the relationship special is never a part of what I sell as a sex worker.
But sometimes I think it would just be easier to be in a relationship with an asexual person.
Reblogged this on Project Safe and commented:
For partners of people in the sex trade.
Thank you for writing this. I was married to a high-end escort for five years, at a time where there was really no such thing as a support network for partners of sex workers.
I will say you are spot-on with your approach to identifying the “hot” areas and addressing them. But one has to remember that relationships evolve and devolve, people age and go through cycles of security and insecurity. It is necessary to continue an open dialogue, and for each party to be willing to give a little and take a little in order to keep things happy.
In my case the marriage ended not because of the sex work per se, but because my wife was not reliable in maintaining the boundaries which we had negotiated. It is easy to tell the partner “this is what she does, this is what you signed up for, it’s her body and MYOB”, but when one partner constantly changes the rules regardless of the other’s needs, it’s not going to work. Both parties need to commit to sustaining the relationship and be willing to make compromises from time to time.
Thanks again for writing this. I have a feeling I will read it a few times.
The key is if the partner is allowed to play with others. If the couple are swingers, its a lot easier for the non-SW because he (or she) is getting some strange, too.
Sex work isn’t swinging. Just because I do sex work doesn’t mean my partner is owed “strange”.
If you think sex work is “just getting strange” then you fundamentally misunderstand sex work.
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Why do you say “they”? Are you referring to a threesome?
I’m being gender neutral
I think your sick in the head and need adjustments on multiple nuts and bolts. Your tires are deflated and your ride has left you stranded. You may fool the world but you’ll never ever eva eva fool yourself.
Well, I don’t believe there’s anything irrational about sexual jealousy, even possessiveness, in pair-bonding relationships. Ever heard of sibling rivalry? How about of people getting jealous when their partner just has a friend–or hell, a hobby–that the partner seems to enjoy more than them? It’s just nuts to assume that it’s irrational for a partner in an intimate sexual relationship to feel jealous when his gal is out screwing other guys. So I reject the premise of this article.
This said, as adults, we often have to make compromises that keep our natural feelings at bay for the sake of some greater good.
Many years ago, when I guess I wasn’t quite an adult, I became briefly involved with a gal I liked. She never told me that she was a hooker, but I soon figured it out and she didn’t lie. She would claim to be occupied and unable to get together on the weekends, and when I eventually asked why, she said that she worked part time in a nearby city. When I asked in what job, she looked at the floor without answering. That’s when it hit me, “My God, you’re a prostitute?” She shrugged in a way that meant yes.
I left the budding relationship pretty much right then, though I did seek counsel from an older guy, oddly an evangelical Christian, who suggested that leaving the relationship might not be the right way to proceed. His opinion was that people do all kinds of things with their sexuality, nobody is a saint, and if I like the gal, sticking with her to see where it goes could be best for both of us.
I did not follow this advice–I left–and I don’t feel that I lost the love of my life or anything like that for getting out. However, in restrospect I’m pretty sure that I left because of my own lack of maturity. A bigger man than I was would have at least stuck it out for awhile, but I wasn’t big enough then. Heck, she was the first whore that to my knowledge I had ever met.
I also still feel bad for her, and years later remember how she looked at the floor when her work came up. I doubt that I was the love of her life either, but assume that she wanted the same kinds of relationships that non-hookers have with men, just sadly knew that they were unlikely for her given her part-time job. She expected me to exit once I knew, but didn’t want to lie to me either. I still feel bad for her, and wish I would have had the maturity to stay awhile longer.
Oh, she was “really” a university student majoring in, of all things, agronomy. I never got into it with her, but I assumed that weekend hooking was just paying her bills and tuition. Hard really to fault her for that.
Anyway, fast forward many years and over the last several I have maintained periodic relationships with hookers. One, who really was the love of at least my late life, unfortunately didn’t work out at all. As another post put it, boundaries are very important. The gal, who was adamant about maintaining her independence (a trait I generally admired) one day surfaced from the apartment of a neighbor a block away. Huh, she’s screwing a guy I know in my own neighborhood? Sorry, that was too close for comfort. To her, he was just a client. To me, he was a neighbor. I even had to endure other neighbors asking, “Hey, isn’t that your girl?”
Well, the neighbors had the tense wrong. She WAS my girl but no longer. It’s all well and good to accept hooking in the abstract–some unknown client somewhere else–but when the client is a guy I know in my own neighborhood and other neighbors are laughing at me, no way. I am not yet that big of a man–and hope I never will be.
The client himself never knew, and actually she had another client I knew who never knew that I knew her either. Hell, neither guy knew her real name.
Maybe the worst part was that I happened to see the neighbor client in a bar the night he fucked my girl and had to listen to him tell about his great fuck. Well, I knew my girl was a great whore, and honestly admired her for that. Her strength actually wasn’t so much in the lay (which is overrated) but in the emotional labor surrounding it. She was excellent at her work. Even so, I really didn’t need to be in a bar listening to a guy telling me about screwing my girl, even if he had no idea that she was my girl.
So Jesus Fuck, there have to be lines.
After her, there have been a couple others. One was really good about keeping her work separate. Oh, I could go on backpage and see her naked photos, but there was never a hint of overlap with us, and as she would put it, “It’s just business.” The other, who I continue to consort with, has quit hooking, when I honestly wish she wouldn’t have. It would help me a lot if she could turn a few tricks from time to time and earn some damn money. This relying on my money alone is not the way I want this thing to proceed.
As for the one who was really good about keeping things separate, I’m afraid that broke down when she was insistent upon having a baby with me. Her desire was perfectly reasonably from her standpoint and I came close to agreeing. No doubt about it she was a great gal, and hey, I like kids too. However, as the potential father I couldn’t help but think in terms of the possibility of 20 year of court ordered child support. Simply because things are going well today doesn’t mean that they will continue that way for decades, and having a child with a hooker raises the ante a lot. She proposed that she would take care of the kid during the week and only hook on weekends, while I did the childcare. Well, that would work, but for 20 years?
Anyway, that was just a real life thing, not even related much to her being hooker, except that with age female charms tend to fade and with them fade their incomes. As much as I liked her and was cool with a kid, I just didn’t see how this plan wasn’t going to end up biting me in the ass.
But big picture, sure, relationships with hookers can be done, and I wish I would have continued with the first hooker I was involved with. However, these relationships aren’t easy, and there’s nothing irrational at all about jealousy and possessiveness. They’re normal and healthy emotions. They also make maintaining a relationship even more difficult than it usually is. In my experience, the relationship can be maintained, but that same experience tells me only for a spell and then with great care. Longterm relationships probably aren’t possible.
Then again, what is really longterm? If you get one or several years out of a relationship, you’ve done better than most.
I also agree they are very normal emotions. I say that. What I mean by irrational is that. .you can’t rationalise with them easily…
You CANNOT reason with those who are unreasonable. There is no reason. Zero. Sex workers by choice in a society that is designed to allow opportunities to maturate an individual’s quality of life are sick and need to medicated or seek psychological and or psychiatric help! Especially if their using dope in the trade. You sound like you posses some admirable qualities. Apply them in the right places in the right way and your reward will be beyond 100 dollars for a blowjob. Mind the SW’s who don’t have rights and are enslaved you sick lady. There is NO justification for you encouraging justification for young ladies to sell and shake what their momma gave them. Never will be. Do the world a favor and make this an altruistic approach with rich purpose. You have the followers I bet you can create some change. You come of as very creative.
I’ve been seeing a particular escort just about every night for the several months. I did see others all the while, but this particular one, really…her looks, her voice, how she touches me during our sometimes long conversations, how she has sex w/ me, makes me want just her. But, I know she has a boyfriend who she lives with. Yes, I do care for her. She’s told me that she likes me so much. She’s denied having a boyfriend y o me. Althouch , I know the truth. She’s also told me that I have really been the only client she’s been with. Altbough, I know there have been at least 3 or 4 others in the past 5 months. Last night, she came to me. And, for the first time in the whole time we’ve seen one another, she had me cum in her mouth n swallowed. Is there anything significant about this?
She’s also told me that I have really been the only client she’s been with. Altbough, I know there have been at least 3 or 4 others in the past 5 months. Last night, she came to me.
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I am in a very similar situation with my girlfriend of over two years. I met her as a client. I saw her once, knew I had to have her as much as possible, so basically never went home. She was receptive to my charm and we fell in love, moved in together……. However didn’t live so happily ever after. I got myself caught up with drugs and sex, lost two 6 figure a year jobs, and ended up on tour together. I left this poor girl 3 times, cheated on her with my ex, trannies and other girls. Our relationship is currently holding onathread because I’m still using. I’ve had my hang ups with her providing rituals, like outcalls, working evenings, etc. After years of my addiction combined with our on tour living situation caused some bitter feelings. I thought about it and if she had done the things to me I did to her, I’d be pretty fucking pissed if not done with the relationship. I became a jealous insecure drug addicted asshole. Your blog gave me a good gut check with my current sex worker girlfriend. I believe I got a little carried away with the jealousy thing and am now ready to allow her to be that person I fell in love with. I don’t wanna be the guy to hold a bitch back. I want her to be that woman I fell in love with. I know I gotta quit doing drugs and that they are ruining my life and preventing any forward progress in life itself. Shit they just ain’t for me. Your blog rox.
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I don’t think this has been thought through.
First some basic truths.
1) since sex workers get paid less the longer they are on the job, there is an inverse relationship between experience and pay.
2) sex work does not have retirement–there is very little chance of working as a sex worker till the age of 62–even if you could there is no retirement.
3) the median pay of a sex worker is $23k a year. This job doesn’t have a 401k, medical/ dental plan, or any benefits whatsoever.
4) sex work requires that the worker always be present in order to make a paycheck–other professions offer vacation time, sick leave, maternity leave, and holiday pay.
5) sex work has a higher risk vs. reward ratio than any other job: a) danger of disease b) danger of violence c) danger of arrest d) danger of kidnapping e) danger of rape.
For all of the above reasons, sex work is a less than desirable long term occupation. If one partner is insistent on staying in sex work–that is their choice and it is the other partners decision to see if they can live with that.
It seems ludicrous however that anyone would want to stay in sex work given the high risk vs low reward if they have other options. I have worked for almost twenty years to get sex workers in a position that they can leave this occupation if that is their choice. The following strategy is the most effective in my view:
1) provide substance abuse/ career counseling/ goal counseling services for this population. Remember that many do not have adequate transportation and that counseling must often be brought to them.
2) provide skill guidance as a part of counseling–less than 1% of sex workers have a graduate of professional degree, less than 3% have a college degree, only 37% have a high school diploma–that is the lowest educational achievement of any occupation except migrant farm worker.
3) provide support groups for ex-sex workers. Many sex workers cite the bond they have with their fellow sex workers and pimps as the reason for returning to sex work–so providing alternative suppoert groups is important.
In the 18 years I have been working as a counselor, I have helped tens of thousands of sex workers get off the street and find alternative occupations. I have worked with a broad section of the sex worker population because 2/3 of our clients are referred to us by the courts–which require mandatory counseling for any solicitation of prostitution conviction in Texas. I have worked with all segments of this population including: elderly (one lady was even in her 70s), minors, transgender, men/ women, gay/ straight/ questioning, those trading survival sex for food, and those that travel a circuit and charge high rates.
In all of these years, I have never found a single sex worker that did not have a dream of something better. I found many over the years that did not know how to bring thier reality and thier dreams together.
Hasnt been thought through? Excuse me It’s been lived through… and I disagree with much of the premise of your argument but regardless, not sure how my retirement options change anything I have written in this post….? And lastly I suggest you have found sex workers who are happy in their job but perhaps have chosen to discount it cos *waves* you found one here. Plus also do you not think the mandatory nature of your service impacts on they way people engage with you….. anyways.. Thanks for stopping by.
The good doctor is in. It’s refreshing to hear a voice of reason here. This blog makes my blood pressure rise. It’s very disturbing and should be taken down in my most humble opinion. Least the angle is re-considered. Apperantly there is a following here. It would be very worthwhile to plant some positive seeds.
Your reply to this being thought through is not a valid argument. You can do better young lady. Hugs and kisses
I appreciate the reply, and don’t completely discount it. Although the sample is surely scewed because the counselor’s clients are mandatory (those are usually the bottom of the barrel) and those sentenced to mandatory counseling can be counted upon to take the therapist’s lead and parrot back what they know the therapist wants to hear, I too have never known a hooker who wouldn’t prefer to do something else.
However, the good doctor overlooks a couple of crucial things. First, $23k is actually good money for people with the educational level described, especially when scheduling felixibility is added into the mix. Realistically, many of these people are looking at maybe earning $15k – $20k in a conventional job to which they have to report daily, deal with a boss, and for which they have to arrange childcare, etc. $23k may not look good to a credentialed counselor, but it can look good to a single mother who can earn it on her own schedule.
Second, there is the problem of short- v. longterm thinking. I know and have known lots of whores, but I have yet to meet a young one during her peak earning years who has wanted to quit today. Heck, young people in any occupation don’t worry about retirement plans and whatnot, as evidenced by the roughly half of the ordinary people who raid their retirement savings early. In my experience, the only whores who get “reformed” are those who have outgrown their peak earning years and all the sudden realize that it was a longterm mistake to be a whore.
The risk of the counselor’s work is that it actually furthers prostitution, and I’ve seen this too many times over. By stepping in, the do-gooders help the hookers who already want to quit (mainly because they’re already too old to make good money) by offering them state-funded alternatives. But gee, isn’t this just encouraging prostitution? Of course it is, albeit indirectly.
Once again, I agree with the main points: I have never know a hooker who actually wants to be a hooker, and it is a lousy longterm career choice. Despite my lurking around boards like this, I don’t believe the myth of the “happy hooker” for a minute (and never known one). However, I doubt that there are many “happy hamburger flippers” either, and think choice needs to be put into context. Very few people choose to hook instead of be like a CEO (although frankly there can be some ego gratification and pride in being a good hooker) but when becoming a CEO isn’t a realistic option, hooking can make some sense to a person.
And when it goes well, hooking actually isn’t that bad. Physically the hookers I know complain mostly about their feet hurting from the high-heeled shoes–the sex is a minor part–and while their labor is mostly emotional, so also is the labor of the employees working the customer service counter.
I don’t recommend it as an occupation, but I understand why some choose (yes choose) it given their alternatives.
I agree but I guess it’s all very natural emotions.
I always explain it like being sort of social worker instead of hooker (that sounds so harsch) and I try not to connect to much with my clients because all of this.
It all depends of course at where you stand in life and what kind of person you meet at which time.
Not all of us are searching other / alternative jobs by the way, I 100% love what I do.
This is a conversation with the basis of struggles and tripulations of sex workers. In my experience not all sex workers are free in what they trade and in most 3rd world countries they are unable to even profit. This is human traffic, it is slavery and for you girls who enjoy it. For those girls thinking “my boyfriend will just have to live with my occupation!” Think for two seconds about the girls who don’t get a boyfriend, a income and who’s families are executed if they don’t screw unprotected for the advantage of criminal enterprise. These are the real problematic issues involving sex work so if your boyfriend is having a cry use this technique it might work. Have him repeat “My girlfriend has sex with other men and I accept it.” If he can’t then do him a favour and leave him because otherwise your just hauling around dead weight!
As a hooker based in Athens, Corinth and sometimes Mykonos (Greece), I can say that we receive a lot of love in our profession. People want to find someone special. People need attachment, even if they have to pay for sex. It’s only natural but it’s also good for business!
Very interesting post and comments. If its hard or easy, beautiful or not, this activity has all things in one place, and.. the most important is to be able to handle.
Great post about hookers! Very interesting topic.
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So glad I found this post! The timing could not be better. The first two paragraphs describe exactly where I am. My friend works in massage and I have been seeing her for 8 years. We have developed feelings for each other but not taken the next step. The situation is complicated. Your post provides clear guidance on what needs to be balanced, what I need to think through and what I need to have on my three lists before moving beyond the status quo should I decide to do that. Most valuable is the insight into her side of things, something I might never have thought about without your insightful comments. I think the first step is to re-read this article a few more times. Sincere thanks.
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Nice to see this blog back up. It provided penetrating insight and enormously valuable guidance when I read it some time ago. Yes I fell in love with a massage girl about a year ago. I had been seeing her for 12 years but never outside of work. She was always affectionate in ways other girls were not. One time she told me she always got exited when she saw me coming and did a little jig when I came through the door … as the other girls rolled there eyes. We would always shared some social time after the massage and … well you know … chatting about life, her family & children, her homeland over seas and her and my interests and avocations, never business. Somehow I never responded to her affection perhaps not understanding cultural differences. But I did develop feelings for her. Strong feelings.
One day the desire to tell her of my feelings control. On that day I told her, indirectly, that I was married. I had never hidden my ring but I had never spoken about my wife either. She broke into tears and would not tell me why. All I could get her to say between the tears was “You and me … 10 years .. no man”. My heart broke.
I went though turmoil while considering leaving my wife. It was during this time that you blog was most valuable to me. It explained her life style, her needs and her point of view. And it help me sort priorities out.
When the time was right I discussed divorce with my masseuse but she said “Divorce is not good. When you get old you have no one to talk too”. The insight you provided helped me understand what she may have been thinking when she said that.
We had one or two difficult days but we have worked things out and so far things have been pretty much as they were but love and friendship has come to the fore. Yes we still enjoy each other’s company. I still see her and pay for professional services but never see her outside the studio.
But now I often drop in to the studio, between our regular professional sessions, when things are slow to visit, a chat, share a cup of tea or watch a video, perhaps her granddaughter at a dancing recital. I call her from time to time if she is not busy. I try to give her the human contact she needs to cope with a lonely job.
Sometimes during these meetings a client will drop in. I hide in an unoccupied room and wait through his massage and then for him to leave before I say goodbye. Your blog has helped immensely by pointing out that I would be jealous and in managing jealousy. It is a huge thing.
I have not decided what to do. We are in love and want to see each other socially. She wants me to meet her family, in fact I have met her grand daughter. I am living a double life: one in a suburban home, with a wife who has not touched me in 15 years (we have no children) and a second with an intoxicating lady from another culture who has superb strength of character, family values and understands the needs and as you say in one of you articles “the addictions” of men. When I am home, I do not want to be there. Instead, I long to be at the studio or with her somewhere, maybe at one of her social occasions or being grand dad to her grand daughter.
There are no guarantees in life and with time running out I must decide sometime between separation with the enormous consequences of loss of a lifetime friends, ostracisation in the clubs and communitee where I live and loss of half of everything I own not to mention the risk of dying alone, an old man in a homeless shelter versus a few years of truly enchanting sex.
At this juncture, being motivated by testosterone and oxytocin the second choice seems to be a no brainer.
But then I rethink your wise words “Don’t try to change them, You fell in love with them and their experiences are a part of them. There are so many pros to dating pros, their sassiness and independence, their skills and outfits, their connections and stories.”
Thanks. I owe you a big hug!
Tough situation
Very interesting read. I, myself have found that I am falling in love with a local escort. Background, I am married, almost 20 years now and mid 50’s and she is almost 30 with a 8 year old. Picked her up off of the internet and set an appointment to see her. Met her at her apartment for a hour long visit, sex wasn’t all that, mind you.
As it turns out I really wasn’t looking for sex, I was looking for an emotional bond, something that I had lost many years ago. I realized pretty quickly that she was a hurting puppy both emotional and financially.
I made a couple more appointments to see her, to talk with her and to hold her. All very professional and on her time table, then things changed.
I told her if she ever needed anything to call and I would try to help, a ride or a couple bucks if, she needed it, no strings.I told her that I would love to take her shopping,dinner, just have a good time with no expectations.
It’s been 4 months now and I have a key to the apartment, I take her to the motel so, she can work, I have helped negotiate her car. I have had family time with the kid and I am moving them into one of my rentals. It’s all very surreal.
I have been trying to educate myself on the mindset of a sex worker. I know that they can be manipulative and compulsive liars and that it is their job to be, whom ever you want them to be. Do I give money, yes but, it really hasn’t been a whole lot, especially when you consider how much time I get to spend with her. Oh, did I mention just how freaking cute she is.
I feel that deep down she is a very sweet and caring person but, her job has made her callous, narcissistic and very closed off. I feel that I can “fix her” and she has admitted that she does, indeed feel “broken”, her words not mine. I don’t believe that she wants to keep turning tricks for a living anymore but, she knows that she has a family to support.
We have certainly blurred the lines between provider and client and now will blur the tenant/landlord lines, I don’t know what to expect from here on, are we going to start trading rent for services? She says, that she wants to pull her own weight and try and move forward with her life and I so, want to help her do that.
Can’t believe that I have written this much and still have not address the issue of the article, her fucking for a living. I would have to say that my feelings, right now anyways, is this. I am sad that, that is what she does because I don’t believe she wants to do it anymore. However, she was doing this when I met her and it is her choice as to how she chooses to provide for herself and her kid. Am I jealous, possessive, fucking ayah.
I find that talking about her work both, nauseates and excites me at the same time. I believe that there are some areas of her job that could use some tweaking and I will volunteer to be her guinea pig, might as well get something out of this ride. Guess I’m just going to roll with it and see what happens. Thanks for listening and love an opinion.
Hi… So this post wasn’t necessarily for clients who fall for the hooker they are seeing… That’s possibly an entire other post. Though I have written about that but aimed at the worker in “once a client”. However there is still some things you can take from this post. But before you do that I do think it’s important to address the nature of the relationship you are building with her. If you don’t care and are happy to accept the outcome regardless then just relax and enjoy the ride… But if your worried about her motives or intentions or expectations then I think you probably need to sort that out. What is your bottom line and what is hers? What is her short and long term expectations and what are yours… Have you had that convo?
It’s honestly okay to fall in love with an escort. She’s a human like anyone else. At some point, she’ll want to get out of the game if she wants to.
Why would you judge her more than anyone else? People do worse things behind other people’s backs.
I completely agree with this article.
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